(aka the DARE program's new campaign story to
terrorize people not to use drugs or alcohol)
Once upon a time there lived a senile old woman who hated everyone. Especially kids. Once an annoying kid sold her girl scout cookies and she took the kid and blew him up in the microwave! There was one kid she hated especially. That kid was unknown to all except Petie, the ferocious man with a gopher head who lived next door to the cranky old woman. Petie had plans of his own for making the poor kid's life miserable. Of course, his hate was warranted--for this kid had stolen his prized silver spoon!
Anyways, enough of Petie. He used to be a robber, and then his head was shot off by a gopher person, and so they exchanged heads to keep the peace. Petie and the Senile Old Woman eloped a lot. They stole things, and it was usually exciting and fun.
One day, an extremely stupid little girl named Lucretia came skipping down the street. Her mom was sick of her and, knowing that the Senile Old Woman and Petie like to eat kids, conveniently dropped Lucretia off in front of their houses. As Lucretia came skipping down the yellow divider in the middle of the road, Petie and the Senile Old Woman charged for her out of the windows. They ran around each others' houses 12 times and then Petie grabbed Lucretia.
"Tea for two, and two for tea!" Lucretia shouted.
"Shut up!" Petie said. "I think you took my spoon!"
"Spoon? I love spoons!" Lucretia hollered.
Suddenly the Senile Old Woman stopped running around her house. She saw Lucretia and grinned slyly. "MY LUNCH IS ALMOST HERE!" she cried, and raced for Lucretia.
"NO!" Petie screeched, his gopher teeth clicking meanly. "I want to eat the miscreant! YOU got to microwave the last one--it's MY turn now!"
"MY HERO!" Lucretia sighed, and as she grabbed Petie to plant a sloppy wet one on his teeny black nose, he whisked her off into the sky. At that moment, Lucretia's mom returned.
When she saw Lucretia in the sky she smiled. Her plan had worked! With Lucretia out of the house she wouldn't have to hide the dope and pot anymore. She danced around and pulled out a cigarette. Just then she saw a policeman, so she picked up her legs and threw herself into the Senile Old Woman's house.
The toilet flushed. Lucretia's mom looked around nervously. A cockroach crawled in front of her. It's butt was twitching, and Lucretia's mom swore it was farting. It was such an odd spectacle that she couldn't stand it anymore, so she ate it, munching greedly. Then she took out her stomach and ate it. (Pot makes you do weird things)
Petie and Beth were still in the air--and as we all know, what goes up must come back down. Unfortunately, they crashed into a few trees, took out some airplanes, and fell through the roof of the Senile Old Woman's house on the way back down. They were about to squash Lucretia's mom when a deer ran through the woods. Now Lucretia's mom is a littlemessed up, b/c she can sense deer movement. It makes her jump over five feet into a bed.
Unfortunately, she didn't land in the bed, but in an outside dumpster, where the policemen were crouching in wait of Petie. They thought Lucretia's mom was Petie, though, because they were legally blind and had left their guide dogs at home by accident. They spanked Lucretia's mom really good, and then smoked all her crack.
Suddenly another deer ran through the woods. Lucretia's mom was blown into the policemen and she spanked them back. Then she turned into a particle man and went inside them to get her crack back.
Uh oh. The Senile Old Woman, who had just taken an overdose of crack, LSD, and alcohol, heard a deer running in her head. She ran around in circles until she was finally squashed and eaten alive by the imaginary deer. Lucretia stood necking with Petie, and they both laughed demonically as the old woman met her demise.
Until the psychosomatic mania spread. Lucretia's mom caught it. The only way to escape it was to go back in time. She went to her sixth grade class, which was a big mistake, since Petie, the Senile Old Woman, and the policemen were in that class too. The Senile Old Woman was only partially senile then, and at age 40, had been held back a number of times.
Their teacher, Dr. Wakalaka, came in holding a knife. "Today," she cackled, "We are going to have CUTTING lessons! Any volunteers?"
Lucretia's mom raised her hand. But before she could cut herself, a deer ran through the woods and Lucretia's mom bumped into the knife and it was shoved into Dr. Wakalaka's left buttock. Dr. Wakalaka screamed and ate them all. Lucretia then inherited the Senile Old Woman and Petie's houses, bulldozed them, and built a huge shack on the land, living happily (though alone) ever after.
THE END!