*This was cowritten by me and my pal
Breathmint.
My name is Mark, and I am 25 years old. I'm not married yet, but I love
somebody. Her name is Brenda Tallinga. She teaches 13th grade Geography at
Nagano Athletic School, and I teach 14th grade U.S. History there also.
One day, when I walked into school, Brenda said to me, "Honey, if you love
me, will you kiss my butt?" I obliged willingly. You see, I minored in
"buttkissing" at University for the Stupid in Idaho.
Brenda was shocked, I mean totally! "You are totally disgusting, you despicable
piece of ****, **** you, RRRRGGHH!" She was really mad, so she called me
later and broke up with me.
Later I went to my weekly doctor appointment at the mall. The guy's a shrink
and a medic combined, and if you pay $2 a visit, he talks to you and malpractices
at the same time.
Well, I received some shocking news at this visit. I waited until I could
break the news to Brenda.
She was coming to my house to visit me! That night, I said to Brenda, "If
you love me, will you marry me, even kiss me?"
"Yes, my love!" and she did. Well, I won't mention where.
Then the phone rang and I got it. Someone on the other line said, "It's me."
I knew who it was. The guy or dude at the mall. I hung up. One week later
(secretly), Brenda and I were married.
As soon as I had kissed her, I told her the truth. "Brenda, I'm a sick
man."
"Duh," she replied saucily.
"No, I mean it. I have mouth cancer from the marijuana I smoked in high school
and, to top it off, I have the brain of a 6 year old. The doc says it's a
wonder I can be as clever and annoying, quote quote, as I am."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??!!" she exploded.
" 'Cause I'm a dork!'
"You ****!" But that didn't last for long because Brenda told me she was
pregnant.
Nine months later, she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. Their names
were Vance Malcolm and Tanisha Olivia.
They cried a lot. Diapers, smell, and more diapers. After two weeks of changing
poopy diapers and getting pooped on myself, I decided enough was enough.
"Brenda, we have to get a maid!" I whimpered pathetically.
So along came Roach, the ugliest, most lazy fat maid that ever disgraced
the earth's surface.
So I fired her. Along came Kaki, a chubby faced 65 year old.
Nine months later we had quadruplets. Matthew Jacob, Andrew Oliver, Geni
Vanessa, and Nathan Micah joined our family.
Two months and 70 maids later, I tried nannies. That didn't go so well either.
A whole line of hundreds of nannies with little black bonnets and foreboding
umbrellas formed outside our house. It looked like a scene right out of Mary
Poppins! I finally hired my trusted advisor and fellow teacher, Mrs. Bolivia.
She said she would. Her son Mike disappeared two years ago, and they don't
know where he is. A year later Brenda came to me with another man and said
she wanted a divorce. She got the girls, and I got the boys. HA, HA, HA,
HA, HA!
Actually, I am totally stressed out! Why would Brenda leave me? I am so totally
crumbled! Anyway, I decided to go out for a beer at my favorite Karaoke bar,
and asked Mrs. Bolivia to care for Nathan, Andrew, Vance, and Matt.
Well, she whipped things up right into order. I was flabbergasted. Except
the boys started mutating into girls, and I realized the horrible truth.
Mrs. Bolivia was using witchcraft on my boys! So I killed . . . . . my goldfish.
Then I told her to turn them back or else. A year later I fired Mrs. Bolivia
and got married to a beautiful young lady, Annabelle Marie Danielle Long.
By her, I had two girls: Laura Rose and Blanche Cassadie.
I cast her off just as I had my other wife since my shrink told me it was
of dire necessity. I sold the five kids to the slave market and kept Vance
as my rightful son and heir.
It was then that my mouth cancer recurred and spread to my eye. That's right,
only one. Now I have a normal eye and one that bugs out due to a tumor. I
don't want it removed since, personally, I think I look cool now. But then
a week later I was in the hospital. Anna took Vance with her and gave him
to my mom. I was very, very, very sick. One month later I had a heart
transplant.
Then a brain transplant. Then kidney, stomach, eye, nose, . . . I was a new
man. I was ROBOMAN!
With my nice new brain, I teamed up with my sidekick, Pinky Avink, and decided
to take over the world. We succeeded until my dog Buford got in the way.
He bit Avink on the butt. You should've heard the sucker scream! The President
of the U.N. heard him and saw us crouching in the plants behind his chair.
We had been trying to assassinate him, but he had found us. As that moment,
I wished I could be anywhere else in the world. ANYWHERE!
I found myself in a rainforest. A group of naked people with red paint smeared
all over them had encircled me. Then I saw a bright light and felt great
heat. Suddenly the truth dawned. That wasn't paint on them, it was blood!
They were cannibals, and I was their sacrifice!
Bye bye! Bye-AAAAAOOOOW!